Pandering to strings

Two tone the stone sits
Blue dome used to feign loyalty
Truth clone about my Love for you
But I'm here resting on my own
Indecisive about plans of any future
So unable to suit ya

I lay my head for suicide dreams
I deem what is real
But I lack the weight
To deem 'I am appealed'
I hate this
Dig at my wrist
And watch the blood drip

Do the damage I dream of
Or the famished will lift off
And here stops
Any hope
It's all he wrote

Tap drips of thoughts with you in mind
Defining just how tied to me your Love lies
Shining bright in blighted spaces
I still remember your smell
And I rub lamps for your taste
But without you
I doubt the two of us would enjoy more than a day of wanderlust

But I rumble and rumble for you here
Yet I stumble at thoughts of you here
I'm living unclear and fear the out come
Cause the sum of you and me
And our forlorn is something to write home about
But only to express I'm no longer around

I died in those rooms on those couches
And I relive nightly what it was like that house
The boy I've become is unable to bounce
I wasn't going to be your spouse
I renounce the pain I inflicted
And fear you enacted
Because I negatively reacted
To how your person acted

And I staged rage displays so you would leave me alone
But my love for you is real
While to be feels broke
I inflated prospects dire
Sitting back and watching you perspire
I'd have bitten the bullet, in sense of literal
And left you to fend for yourself
I'm pitiful

These words stem but not stop
They stem like reach
Never blessing any peace
Silencing that beautiful laugh
Fuck I regret that
I heard it leave and never come back
I'm responsible
Deserved the slap

I cry writing words you won't know
I'd die before showing my face
I'd kill so you would have an answer
I thought of answering
But now the phone doesn't ring
And I know the reason
This hurts as much as me leaving

Please don't think any of this was easy
Emptier than I thought
Though I hurt more in that place
Daily I miss more your sweet face
Stating this to ventures invested
They don't want to see me leave again
Bruises still present for the collateral

You're the first to word this
It's not a case of how to work it
The service is worthless
I broke it don't think I don't know that
I shutter at the tripe I peddled in fright
To add red to the blue on the white wall
I should have stood by what I said

You mean so much to me
I hated seeing you hurt for me
I wanna be deleted from history
No memory of Ryan D
No feelings or pain or knowledge of
Simply gone like us
Was it ever peace?

I forgive you for anything you might have done
For choosing to sleep with a handsome gun
It's not your fault he was so dumb
And feels forever undone
For the pain that he wrought
The stain on your heart

For Peta I don't live
And feel, me, I can never forgive
Applied for asylum to let go
But only more sure I feel about you

- Ryan Dickinson