Well, I said I would write something...
The damp mildew of old memories, old insecurities will me feverish with their decaying intent or relatability. I grit my teeth in an awkward half grimace and furl my brow and sit in an itchy state of regret and nostalgic disappointment. What could I have done? How should I have done it? If I had focussed sooner, I had all the answers and actively treated them as irrelevant. I might be A bit taller, or maybe have a thicker dick or be A better candidate for idolising or be faster or maybe wittier. I calculate through time unlived how events transpired with a tweak here and there only to find myself exactly where I am and those events are vaguely lived in an emotional and mental space yet determine this situation 'not what I want' by relative introspection.
Yet what does it all mean? Well nothing Ryan, have you been paying attention? I feel like A void, makes absolute sense, yet in my moments of being inferior through felt presence of declining health and self-attachment - I don't want it. I want A booming voice of the all mighty to lift my spirit into a knowing of divine planning, get A glimpse of where I should be headed and come back. The closest I have is some colourful cards that help me interpret my symbolic sub-concious.
I guess as I thought perhaps I would have passed moments of decline in appreciation of self - to move onto being the self. Yet I am still very much doubtful of the where, the who, the what. I come from A rational environment and this shit is entirely emotional, even writing this is lifting the male-emotional blockage cap and letting a tear or two fall from my face - only to have an immediate reversal and bitter reaction, felt as that itchy state. I could scratch my skin clean off as the itch doesn't stop. It's the itch of ultimate loneliness.
'We're not alone, we are all connected' - sure but, we're all one. Meaning we're all in loneliness. How sad for A god to be bored of presence so he gets lost and incarnates as the all we see around and feel around us. That's a tragic tale, makes me long for a blood letting session until I feel no more.
I am attempting to not project out the dissatisfaction I feel within my bones as storms are created in the blame game and boarding the hate train, but sincerely - stop being ignorant, selfish, hateful, weak cunts and start living as if there were no consequences. Be who you are, not who others have told you to be or scared you into being
Hope you enjoyed that.
- Ryan Dickinson