Waking up at my second home this morning, I was feeling a bit on edge and a tad depressed. It wasn't the languorous misery of Depression, of having a 'bad day', but something very discernible - something I could, today, take the steps toward fixing. But I won't, cause I'm scared. That's another story.
What I am missing is Intimacy.
Our Biological make up wants several things for a Twenty something year old. One of them is something to do. The other is someone to do.
Hehe, coy innuendos.
Almost none of our immediate desires are scripted by the 'me', the other part of you that isn't physical. Almost none of that either, is objectively unique - we are inter-dependent creatures, sharing ideas, passions, morals, practical skills, emotional responses, intimacy finesse, culture, rules, inhibitions, prejudice, so on it goes. Why I tell you this is to give you a more honest perspective - some of your responses, if not all, are not your own.
My response to intimacy is one of attachment and evocation of self love onto them. I don't share. I don't know how to do that. I give. I give me to you. Not a progressive response to a touch or a kiss. So do I genuinely want Intimacy? Do I want a partner? Is it just sex? Or could I get what I need from another source?
I kissed a girl on the cheek on the weekend and got a little embarrassed because I enjoyed it so much. Due more to the sudden void of intimate contact with another person, than to an idealised outcome of that generally platonic sign of appreciation, it still sparked the brush of whose truth I saw from burning insight. My body wants to be touched and it wants to feel someone else.
But is that all Intimacy is? Do I long for intimacy or do I want to cum with company? The classic notion of being in lust versus being in Love.
Doug Stanhope has a piece about real intimacy.
I took the same idea and came up with a few things more intimate than Sex. Feed a starving person. Hold a dying person's hand. Hold a friend who has just lost someone. House the destitute.
With this girl whose cheek I molested, we shared stories of each others troubled past and difficulties associated there in. I have no qualms with sharing those moments with people but it's rare that someone reciprocates with the same level of honesty. She did and I felt closer to her than I have with girls whose stomachs I have messed on. Sorry for the image but it's a vulgar truth.
I tend to refrain from the use of cliches, as the phrase 'It's so cliche...' has caused everyone to think that a cliche is a weak expression. Be unique, don't be cliche. A cliche is something so popular we have immortalised it in pop culture. Don't forget that.
What is a cliche response from someone, usually from the mouth of a woman, after an 'intimate' evening? 'It was Magical!'.
Cliche response yes and many are likely thinking 'I've never said that' or 'I've never heard anyone say that' - you're hanging around the cool kids then.
But that is a 'popular' response.
That's because Sex is an aspect of Magick. The 'k' in that is not a typo. Ever heard of Tantric Sex Magick? It's a thing.
Sex, as a heightened emotional state, is perfect for conducting rituals of 'Magickal' intent. Trance states can be induced through drumming, chanting, meditating, praying, fucking, etc. These trance states are used to implant in your subconscious, the stated intention of the ritual. Success, love, creative channeling - these sorts of things can be assisted by regular trance state rituals, magickal ceremony and so on.
Sex is an aspect of Magick and reproduction.
An Orgasm is better than an apology, am I right? Like Magic... it dispels animosity between parties. Just sayin'.
As for myself I genuinely think, as my being is raw emotion at the moment, I would only do harm in an intimate, sexual relationship. I lack neither the faculties nor the aesthetic gifts to seduce/attract someone but if I did, I know it wouldn't go very far. I would probably get through with a hand up my shirt or hands on my face - this kind of contact is all that I could handle. Any more and I would be that 'it's not you it's me' guy.
Having been through similar situations in my life, a few years ago now, I remember it took a long time to be at a point where I could honestly put myself out there and go after someone I wanted.
Maybe my problem is I don't want anyone, or it's that I still want a certain someone. All that can be said, is touch can be vital to a happy mind.
- Ryan Dickinson