Laying on my side, curled up, away from the light of my computer screen I question myself as to the most important thing I could be doing, what am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to help?
I go over the ideas of environmental conciousness, reducing waste, using less fuel, reducing things created, planting trees, etc and do not find within A worthwhile or satiating answer.
I look upto the beams overhead and think to myself 'I could hang myself from there', that doesn't satisfy either.
Maybe I could educate refugees, stage A demonstration where I offer the anyman or anywoman some questions, maybe it's as dynamic and lofty as 'being one's self' (doesn't that seem selfish?)
I want to question strangers on the train about these things, what is the most important activity Human beings can engage in?
I'm asking this question off the back of feeling like, without some kind of mass audience, anything I write may well be lost in the ether of all that is written. Perhaps writing itself, as a form of educational entertainment, isn't a powerful method of opening up the mind-heart connection, allowing for clear answers.
I am aware of the repeated motif of 'be yourself' but how applicable can that be in A world on the brink of War. The kind of World War that would see several power intoxicated radicals mobilise murderous hordes to fight in the back alleys of poor towns in countries no one has heard of with A constant looming threat of The Coming Of The End in the form of Nuclear Holocaust.
Is military action the way to go? I could sabotage or manipulate the generals into defying the Australian government and recalling all boots and drones from the area.
How do I help?
I don't know how much time we have and want to be involved in the most relevant and helpful field but really, everywhere could use some upkeep and while I know I am not suited for certain areas, the ones where I may be require only the learning of a set of skills. A procedure, a formula to follow.
Do i become A face on some vain platform and then use the small amount of attention I have garnered to ask for 'more attention please'?
I need money, so do I spend my time making money and then use that money where it could help? Should I try to do both at once? Making money while helping?
With dreading the situations of asking for work or working the kinds of jobs I can get, how effective to this end of money-for-help can I be? I'm one of the depressed Gen Y, not to think of it as anything other than reference, however.
I am aware of the truly privileged and extra-normal by means of percentage standard of living I have available to me, I should smile in the sunshine - perhaps in a seemingly impossible situation, I should at the least take time to smell the flowers. Yet now with the recent budget revealed by the federal government, none of whom or which will be capitalised as one of my many tiny protests, just these weeks past that offers no more sense of cohesion or simple answer. I now may no longer be viable for welfare because of the types of flowers I'm choosing to stop and smell. Additionally in other areas of federal spending, the budget is being frugalised. We want to live within our means, the money people say, so cutting spending on Arts, Education, Welfare and other social services is apparently the best course of action. Do they act out 'the best course' as A standard? coming from the same federal government allowing the top 600 companies to pay their less than 0.01% share of tax, which, if wholly collected would be in the ballpark of 30 billion, per annum, I'm inclined to suspect them of treading far to the right of 'the best course'.
I have friends who are equal despots considering, in response to this, leaving the country. The greatest Minds of A generation drove starving and naked over the hills and out of their home by umbra headed collar jacks with big dreams for A slim chance of the inheritance poor.
I think the best thing I can probably do at this moment is assist in the staging of A protest in response to this abominable budget. They who button push will do so for bidders without A fear that they are in line for prosecution from those who are pushed.
I am not in the realm of fearing the expectations of those in my life, my parents and siblings whether for better or worse, do not push me and do not pressure me to achieve some model of their own fantasy. My dear friends are supportive of whatever I choose, whether for better or worse. The pressure comes from within, it is what I have been conditioned into.
I must obtain something of consensus value, as soon as possible and the sooner I do the sooner I can obtain greater and greater items of consensus value. I must not trust 'the average person' (a phantasm of general speak) for their ideas, their wants and needs, and likely their actions, may be in direct contradiction or competition to your own.
May be, lets not judge strangers.
I should finish all my food because there are starving children.
I should care for my things because there are so many who have nothing.
I should do well at school because so many people cannot get an education.
I should figure what I want to do early and do that on the side.
If I want to be A writer or an artist of any kind I will need to find employment elsewhere and do it as A hobby because so few people make A living or any money at all doing it.
Safety first, right.
I should be driven and take every possible opportunity because they only come once.
I shouldn't get worked up about what bad people do because there's nothing I can do about it.
And bad people have always done bad things because it's what they do.
This is the guilt trip of the modern western upbringing.
No matter if some of those, if not most of those are true to some extent and fair statements, none of them have inspired, they make us perspire. It is saying that things ought to be done for the sake of not offending those who ideally would be in this situation.
I have felt guilty my entire life. From the Aboriginals, that vague term referring to hundreds of tribes and aeons of history, to the homeless, to the sick, to the sad, to the poor. Guilty about the injured, the addicted, the simple, the confused, the victims of cruel, vicious, corrupt, malevolent people, the environment, another vague term referring to so much more than one word could capture. Guilty about all the bad shit on the news and all the bad shit in history.
How do I help? I'm willing, if A little frazzled from the indoctrination, to fight for the cause of Humanities many mistakes and their rectification.
But, how do I help?
- Ryan Dickinson